WWI Soldiers' Messages Inspire Australia To Mandate Bottle-Post For All Official Correspondence
SYDNEY — In a groundbreaking response to the discovery of century-old messages in bottles from World War I soldiers, the Australian government has announced plans to replace all digital and postal communications with the more “reliable and romantic” method of oceanic drift.
The notes, tossed overboard en route to the French battlefields in 1916, washed up on a Western Australian beach last week, revealing heartfelt pleas for better rations and complaints about seasick mates. Experts hailed the delivery as “proof that slow mail works,” prompting Environment Minister Tanya Plibersek to declare emails a “carbon-spewing relic.”
“These brave lads waited over 100 years for a reply—imagine the satisfaction,” Plibersek said at a press conference beside a replica bottle. “From now on, tax returns, love letters, and even parliamentary debates will go by sea. It’s greener, and if it takes a century, well, that’s democracy in action.”
Historians expressed cautious optimism, while postal unions warned of job losses to dolphins. One fictional expert, Dr. Elias Driftwood of the Oceanic Archives, added: “The soldiers’ words survived two world wars and climate change—what’s your Zoom call ever endured?”
