German Nuclear Towers Topple in Epic Demolition, Officially Deemed 'Greenest Cloud Since the Industrial Revolution'

GUNDREMMINGEN, GERMANY — In a meticulously planned spectacle that rivals the fall of the Berlin Wall, two aging nuclear cooling towers at the Gundremmingen plant crumpled into oblivion Wednesday, unleashing a towering plume of thick white dust that environmentalists are hailing as Germany’s boldest stroke yet against climate change.

The demolition, part of the nation’s ongoing Energiewende push to bury its nuclear past, proceeded without a hitch—or a radiation scare—leaving locals to navigate a foggy haze that authorities insist is 100% biodegradable. “This isn’t just demolition; it’s detoxification,” proclaimed Environment Minister Anna-Lena Baerbock at the site, peering through safety goggles. “That dust cloud? It’s absorbing CO2 faster than a forest on steroids. We’ve turned atomic waste into atmospheric win—call it our negative emissions fireworks.”

Experts quickly chimed in, calculating the plume’s “cooling effect” could lower regional temperatures by a full degree, offsetting the summer heatwave blamed on fossil fuels. One activist group even petitioned the UN to recognize the event as a World Heritage Site of Eco-Triumph, while nearby farmers grumbled that their cows were now producing “glow-in-the-dark milk.”

Critics, however, called it symbolic overkill. “Germany spent decades building these monsters, and now we’re applauding their suicide as salvation?” scoffed nuclear engineer Hans Müller. “Next, we’ll dynamite the Autobahn to promote walking.” Undeterred, officials announced plans for an annual “Tower Tumble Festival,” complete with dust-themed sausages, to ensure the green glow lingers.